The Myth of Common Interests

I've been thinking about this idea for awhile, but a couple of recent conversations with some friends have prompted me to put a little more thought into it. When we are hoping to make friends, or when we're advising children on how to make friends, we love to point to the idea of common interests. Even in doing ministry, people often assume that the relational connections for genuine community and discipleship occur better when people have common interests. While I don't think this is totally wrong, I think it's a bit misleading.

I had a conversation with a group of middle school students who were talking about the process of making friends. They observed that friendships were more-or-less automatic. So “automatic” might not be quite the right term, but there were built in contexts for friend-making. What do I mean by that? Think back to your own childhood. Who were your friends? Typically, they were classmates, kids who rode the same bus, teammates, etc. It wouldn't have been terribly unusual to have an entire group of friends who fit each of these categories—they were in your class, rode your bus, and were on your team. After a bit of a pause in the conversation, one of the kids asked, “How does it work for adults, then?”

I don't know, kid. I don't know. Even now, my go-to friends when something real is going on are friends from school or college, or friends I served overseas with.

Did you catch that last bit? Friends I served with. It seems that this little nugget of information starts to dig at the reality. Those friends you had as a kid may not have actually had many interests in common with you. How did the connection come about? It seems it's much more about common experience than about common interests.

The Apostle Paul's image of the church as a body highlights the idea of unity in diversity.

Here's how this has played out for me. In another recent conversation, I was talking to a couple of friends about how if somebody else had observed the history of our lives, our personalities, how we do things, and common interests, they probably wouldn't have predicted that we'd be friends. One of these people I got to know as we served with a church partnership team in Cuba together. Here's the reality. At the shallowest of levels, we still don't really have a lot of common interests. We do have a shared experience that allowed us to understand each other better. I got a picture, however incomplete, of the heart of this other person. So what does this look like in action? Well, we don't necessarily hang out all the time. However, we can be real with each other, and we have each other's backs.

Another friend was one I'd met and been around a bit, and again, didn't really perceive much in the way of common interests. Then we ended up in an accountability group together. Dude has been real with me, and has let me be real with him. And it basically has nothing to do with common interests. In this case, it's not even that much about common experience. This is simply God-given unity. It's starting to look just a bit like genuine fellowship. (Please don't confuse hanging out with fellowship. That's probably another blog entry or three.)

How does this understanding of the myth of common interests apply to doing ministry?

I think this needs to be thought about somewhat differently for ministry with kids or teens and ministry with adults.

If you're working with kids or teens, remember that the best volunteers may have practically no connection to “youth culture.” The best leaders are going to be the ones who will be there. If you're working with kids, and you feel like you have nothing in common with them, that's okay! Show up. Support them. Give them opportunities to talk about what's important to them. If you start dealing with interests and hobbies, and you know you can't connect—use your ignorance. Be willing to say, “I don't know anything about polo, but I'll come to your match” or “I'd love to crochet with you, but I'll need you to teach me how to do it.”

Here's something that's a bit of a conundrum that I don't have a good answer for. I'll offer simply a call to be aware of a certain situation. Ideally, you want the kids in your small group to have a sense of unity as a group, and to be connected to the other kids, as well as to you. Unfortunately, reality can get in the way of this. If the group only comes together as a group for an hour one day a week, and in that time, you're making announcements and dealing with a curriculum, you're frankly not going to have great connections. One obvious answer is to ensure that your group is together at other times and in other contexts. Again, reality can get in the way. Kids and their parents may not recognize the value of doing this and it may not be a priority for them. Your own family, job, education, and other responsibilities may make it very difficult for you to coordinate such shared experiences.

To a significantly lesser degree, you can at least be smart about leveraging time that you do have. Consistently arrive early and stay late for any church event. This may not be the same as spending a day together once a month, but a ten-minute conversation that you might not have had is progress.

How do you get the kids to connect with each other? I'm currently in a ministry that involves kids from a wide variety of schools. I've had small group meetings with four kids, and all four attended different schools. I'm pretty sure our middle school ministry involves at least three additional schools, as well as homeschoolers. If these kids don't see each other regularly, it's going to be harder for them to connect, especially since they do have other kids they are connecting with daily. If they have a good group of “school friends” that they see every day, they can see that there's not much use for “church friends” who they might only see once a week, or once every few weeks.

I don't really have an answer for this! Be aware. When parents come to you and say, “My kid doesn't really feel connected to the other kids,” have some suggestions ready.

Now, adults. For what it's worth, I don't understand adults. What do we do with the myth of common interests in dealing with ministry to adults?

One—be very wise about dividing up small groups based on hobbies, age, marital status, etc. Am I saying not to have a gardening group? No. I'm saying be aware that many people aren't going to connect to the gardening group. Am I saying it's bad to have age-leveled groups for adults? No. I'm saying that people's life experiences may have little connection to age, and the easist people to connect with may be nowhere near one's own age. Married people and single people definitely face different things in life, and often need the support of others who understand the same experiences. However, married people can offer something to single people that other singles can't. Single people can offer something to married people that other married people can't. Let's not hinder relationships based on this. Should adult men only be in groups with other adult men? For some things at some times, sure. Consistently, across the board? Of course not.

Here's a negative example. I'm a guy, so I can't speak to “women's ministries” at all. No experience. However, I've experienced my fair share of “men's ministries.” Let's just say that I've learned to be cynical. My experience has generally involved weak teaching, if any teaching at all. If there is content, the content is strictly on being a good husband and father. (The best case scenario was one in which the leaders acknowledged that single people were there, and that the content would still be valuable for the future, when they would become husbands and fathers. Yep. Zero understanding that we might need to address the current single state, or that people could be single and be planning on remaining single.) And trying to connect with the other guys? There was often little acknowledgement of what we had in common as believers, no conversation about deeper things at all, and plenty of people getting caught up with each other's thoughts on sportsball.

Here's where this gets tricky—Most of this isn't negative. For my friends who are married and have kids, their roles as husbands and fathers are very important to them. Having an organized group addressing this stuff is helpful and encouraging for them.

For the single, never-married, no-kids-having, introverted guy who has social anxiety and no interest in sports, this is misery. He hears that this—this—IS manhood. That is, manhood is about being married, having children, and talking about sportsball. Therefore, he is no man.

I'm not saying that this is communicated intentionally. I'm saying it's what can be heard.  I'm also not trying to completely bash men's ministries.  You may notice that one of my examples of connecting with someone with whom I didn't really share common interests involved a guy I connected with in a men's accountability group.  In other words, men's ministry done right.

Many of these experiences have left me very cynical. I know that's not healthy. What I'm saying is that there are plenty of other men who are feeling the same thing, and they're walking away. And this isn't just about men. That was one example. Are teenagers being turned off by what you assume about them? Are there women who have had it with your version of women's ministry? Are there singles who are tired of being told by the church that they have lots of time and energy that they don't actually have?

The answer is not to avoid having men's ministry. The answer is to know the men at your church or your para-church ministry. Know them. Know their stories. Acknowledge that people's experiences and interests are different. Don't assume that when it's time to ask men to “serve,” that must mean building or fixing. Invite those guys who are more nurturing to help with nursery or baby-sitting! Guys who love to cook? Acknowledge it and make sure men are welcome to be part of your hospitality-related ministries. (I say this because I've been in ministries where all hospitality-related ministries were under the deaconesses, and only women were allowed!)

So, I think with adults, it's about knowing your people and being flexible. Know people's experiences, interests, and personality quirks.

And, at the end of the day, in terms of “common interests,” it seems that loving God, loving people, and making disciples of the nations ought to be sufficient to keep us going for a while.