Is blood thicker than water?
How does the Christian experience
interact with the idea of family?
Why am I thinking about this idea?
Having recently gone through the holidays, much conversation turns to
family—especially as people attempt to describe the purpose of the
holidays. In fact, I often get frustrated when people say “Christmas
is about family.” Nope. They're apparently thinking of
“Familymas.” If you can enjoy Christmas with your family, that's
great. Any way, that's a side point.
Around the holidays, people talk about
family a lot. Unfortunately, this resulted in me causing a bit of
frustration in those around me as I responded honestly about family.
People got upset with me because I wasn't as giddy about family as
they were. I think I started dealing with this a bit when I first
moved outside my home country. Many of my co-workers called home
several times a week. I found this funny. It's still odd to me that
there are adult people who feel the need to speak with their parents
at least weekly if not more. What do you talk about?
Conversations with my parents are not
encouraging or affirming. They don't offer wise counsel for life.
There is a wide gap between my worldview and theirs. When people
tell stories of support, encouragement, or simply of amusing shared
experiences, I don't connect with such stories. That's not what my
life looked like growing up.
Since I've been involved in student
ministry since the mid-1990s, I can also tell you that there are
plenty of times that I've had to get very creative when it came to
the idea of honoring parents, as I've known many students whose
parents weren't particularly honorable.
In some ways, Jewish culture was very
much about family, but Jesus also turned some expectations a bit on
their side. The fact that Jesus remained single was ridiculously
unusual in that culture. The fact that his only offspring were his
followers—spiritual children—was something different. In Luke
12, Jesus actually talks about how he came to bring division to
families. (Put that in some cards, Hallmark!) A rather poignant
example of how Jesus does something a bit different with the concept
of family is described in John 19. Jesus, who is in the midst of his
own execution, sees his own mother and one of his close friends.
Jesus says to her, “Here is your son,” and to him, “Here is
your mother.” There is an aside that simply states, “From that
time on, this disciple took her into his home.” This moment in one
sense honors the traditional sense of family. One can look at this
scenario and see that Jesus is making sure his mother is taken care
of. However, something a bit more radical is happening here. Jesus
had siblings. There is no particular reason they couldn't have taken
care of Mary at this point. We don't know the whole story of what
was going on here. “Family” in this case goes beyond biology.
Later on in the parts of the New
Testament that are letters, it becomes common to use family language
to refer to relationships among believers. Other believers are
“brothers” and “sisters.” This language has become so common
in many church traditions now that people don't think about how
potentially radical it is.
Obviously, in our culture we recognize
that “family” isn't just about biology. Traditionally, most
families start with a couple getting married. The normal practice is
that these people aren't closely related. How do they become family?
By choice. Even if they never combine their DNA, they are still
family. We also recognize the practice of adoption. In fact,
adoption is a key concept for understanding both Christian theology
and Christian morality. Again, family in such cases isn't about
biology.
So, why do we in the western church
seem to get so caught up with “family” in the biological sense,
especially when it comes to holidays? I don't know. Maybe it's more
a part of western culture than it is Christian teaching?
I've been lucky. (I know, I know.
“I'm a Christian. I don't believe in luck. I believe in God's
sovereignty. You mean to say that you've been blessed.” Yup.)
I've had encouraging mentors outside my
family since I was a pre-teen. I've had some friends who have stuck
with me. Having been involved in student ministry for so long, I've
been able to be the mentor in similar relationships. Just as there
are men out there who have been like spiritual fathers to me, there
are guys out there who have been like spiritual sons to me. A friend
of mine, who in her own way is actually all about family in the
biological sense, stated quite plainly the other day after I'd spent
some time with her son, “You're family.” There was no big
production. It was a straight-forward statement.
What do we do with this in ministry?
We have to remember that words like family, mother, and father have
very different connotations depending on one's experience. In
teaching, when the Bible uses family terminology, we must be careful
to explain what it means. When God is described as “Father,” we
better be clear about what that means. Let's hold back on criticism
if people say something negative about family. Ask them to share
their story, if they are willing.
Mostly, it is this—Be family. There
are people you encounter every day, even at church, who go home to
situations that are not affirming or encouraging for them. Be family
to them. [On a somewhat different note, I will state clearly: Do not
use a twisted sense of the concept of “submission” to suggest
that someone should stay in an abusive situation.]
Some people go home to no one. Be
family to them. Some people desire to have partners, but are single.
Be family to them. Some people desire children and can't have them.
Be family to them. Some people (notice the single people and the
people with no kids who get involved in children's ministry and youth
ministry—people like me) want to invest in younger people. Give
them the opportunity to be family.
If you ask me about my family, I'll
tell you that my brothers are my best friends. I probably won't say
that much about my parents. Want to see me get all weepy? Ask me
about my kids—you know the ones—the kids from the first
church I was on staff at, the kids from my time overseas, the kids in
the student ministry I'm part of now. . . I give you permission to
do this.
Here's the thing, though. Many people
have different experiences with their families. Let's not be hasty
in dishing out criticism to those people who may not speak with
family members often or who may not look forward to family
gatherings. Learn somebody's story first.
