Be Cool, Man. . .

We can use the word “cool” in so many different ways. As someone who was a social outcast and occasional victim of bullying, I find that it's easy for me to use “cool” in a negative sense. “Cool” refers to the people who seem to have it all, run things socially, and reject the weird kids—kids like me.

I use “cool” in a somewhat neutral sense to mean people a bit like the first group, but they're basically nice people. The still seem to have it all—they're good-looking, popular, athletic, talented, and have a fair bit of social power, but they're not bullies. They don't reject the weird kids, and they may be genuinely nice people. However, for the social outcasts, it's still hard to connect with these guys just because their experience of life is so very different.

In a more positive sense, “cool” people are people who are likeable, fun, and nerdy about some of the same things that I'm nerdy about.

Why talk about the concept of “cool” when addressing discipleship? Let me reveal a little secret to you about working in youth ministry. In a youth ministry context, we still pre-judge kids based on our understanding of “cool.” Some adult youth workers really connect with the popular movers and shakers among the kids. For someone like me, it's actually more difficult to connect with those kids, because I tend to see them as I saw the kids who rejected and bullied me when I was a kid. I connect much more with kids who are often a bit on the outside socially, or who obsess over their quirky nerdy hobby. Sometimes these kids are more difficult for a lot of youth workers to connect with. Either way, we make assumptions about which kids we'll be able to connect with.

Here's the kicker—Our assumptions about what makes a middle schooler or high schooler “cool” are often so far removed from what their peers think that we have to take a step back and be slow to judge.

There are some kids I've recently connected with that have caused me to re-think my own views of what constitutes “cool” among some of the students I know. There's this one guy who came across as confident and seemed popular. I took him to be “cool” in the socially powerful sense, but probably not a bully. Eventually we connected over our mutual appreciation of a quirky tv show. The more I got to know this guy, the more I found out that my view of him and his view of himself were quite different. Basically, here's a guy I've been able to connect with beyond the level of chatting about tv. I'm glad I didn't stick with my initial judgment about him.

This story has been echoed with a couple of other discipling/mentoring relationships recently. I'd encounter a kid, and fairly quickly dismiss him as “cool” in a negative sense, only to find out he doesn't see himself that way, and may in fact struggle with friendships. I'd then find myself moving beyond goofball joking to talking about real issues and offering support.

Interestingly, I heard one of these guys recently describe me as “cool.” I had to chuckle. I'm so not “cool” in the has-it-all, socially powerful way. Never have been. So, what did he see when he looked at me and saw someone who was “cool”?

Some of this was pretty simple, but it's worth remembering.

1. At a gathering of adults, I included him in conversation and treated his opinions as valuable. For what it's worth, this isn't a practice I've cultivated. I simply actually appreciate the thoughts of people his age.
2. We did connect over some shared nerdy interests. This can't take the place of deeper level connections, but it can help ease the way into such connections. (Talking about Star Wars can easily lead to conversations about mercy and justice, spiritual gifts, redemption, arrogance and humility, the value of community, etc.)
3. I avoided talking down. Many adults talk to middle school kids the same way they talk to pre-schoolers. Dude isn't an adult, but he does have his own thoughts and preferences.
4. This sounds way too simple, but, seriously, smiling. Again, I'm not saying that I consciously thought, “I need to make sure I'm smiling,” but this kid made it easy. Everybody responds well to a person who smiles when they see them. In this case, it was easy, but this is something that can be learned. You can train yourself to smile and be open and welcoming, even with people you may not connect with very well.

So what? We must get over our preconceptions about the kids with whom we minister. We express genuine interest in their thoughts and opinions. We express joy and affection when we see them. We connect over shared interests, but drive the conversations so that opportunities exist to go deeper.