Is blood thicker than water?

Is blood thicker than water?

How does the Christian experience interact with the idea of family?

Why am I thinking about this idea? Having recently gone through the holidays, much conversation turns to family—especially as people attempt to describe the purpose of the holidays. In fact, I often get frustrated when people say “Christmas is about family.” Nope. They're apparently thinking of “Familymas.” If you can enjoy Christmas with your family, that's great. Any way, that's a side point.

Around the holidays, people talk about family a lot. Unfortunately, this resulted in me causing a bit of frustration in those around me as I responded honestly about family. People got upset with me because I wasn't as giddy about family as they were. I think I started dealing with this a bit when I first moved outside my home country. Many of my co-workers called home several times a week. I found this funny. It's still odd to me that there are adult people who feel the need to speak with their parents at least weekly if not more. What do you talk about?

Conversations with my parents are not encouraging or affirming. They don't offer wise counsel for life. There is a wide gap between my worldview and theirs. When people tell stories of support, encouragement, or simply of amusing shared experiences, I don't connect with such stories. That's not what my life looked like growing up.

Since I've been involved in student ministry since the mid-1990s, I can also tell you that there are plenty of times that I've had to get very creative when it came to the idea of honoring parents, as I've known many students whose parents weren't particularly honorable.

In some ways, Jewish culture was very much about family, but Jesus also turned some expectations a bit on their side. The fact that Jesus remained single was ridiculously unusual in that culture. The fact that his only offspring were his followers—spiritual children—was something different. In Luke 12, Jesus actually talks about how he came to bring division to families. (Put that in some cards, Hallmark!) A rather poignant example of how Jesus does something a bit different with the concept of family is described in John 19. Jesus, who is in the midst of his own execution, sees his own mother and one of his close friends. Jesus says to her, “Here is your son,” and to him, “Here is your mother.” There is an aside that simply states, “From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” This moment in one sense honors the traditional sense of family. One can look at this scenario and see that Jesus is making sure his mother is taken care of. However, something a bit more radical is happening here. Jesus had siblings. There is no particular reason they couldn't have taken care of Mary at this point. We don't know the whole story of what was going on here. “Family” in this case goes beyond biology.

Later on in the parts of the New Testament that are letters, it becomes common to use family language to refer to relationships among believers. Other believers are “brothers” and “sisters.” This language has become so common in many church traditions now that people don't think about how potentially radical it is.

Obviously, in our culture we recognize that “family” isn't just about biology. Traditionally, most families start with a couple getting married. The normal practice is that these people aren't closely related. How do they become family? By choice. Even if they never combine their DNA, they are still family. We also recognize the practice of adoption. In fact, adoption is a key concept for understanding both Christian theology and Christian morality. Again, family in such cases isn't about biology.

So, why do we in the western church seem to get so caught up with “family” in the biological sense, especially when it comes to holidays? I don't know. Maybe it's more a part of western culture than it is Christian teaching?

I've been lucky. (I know, I know. “I'm a Christian. I don't believe in luck. I believe in God's sovereignty. You mean to say that you've been blessed.” Yup.)

I've had encouraging mentors outside my family since I was a pre-teen. I've had some friends who have stuck with me. Having been involved in student ministry for so long, I've been able to be the mentor in similar relationships. Just as there are men out there who have been like spiritual fathers to me, there are guys out there who have been like spiritual sons to me. A friend of mine, who in her own way is actually all about family in the biological sense, stated quite plainly the other day after I'd spent some time with her son, “You're family.” There was no big production. It was a straight-forward statement.

What do we do with this in ministry? We have to remember that words like family, mother, and father have very different connotations depending on one's experience. In teaching, when the Bible uses family terminology, we must be careful to explain what it means. When God is described as “Father,” we better be clear about what that means. Let's hold back on criticism if people say something negative about family. Ask them to share their story, if they are willing.

Mostly, it is this—Be family. There are people you encounter every day, even at church, who go home to situations that are not affirming or encouraging for them. Be family to them. [On a somewhat different note, I will state clearly: Do not use a twisted sense of the concept of “submission” to suggest that someone should stay in an abusive situation.]

Some people go home to no one. Be family to them. Some people desire to have partners, but are single. Be family to them. Some people desire children and can't have them. Be family to them. Some people (notice the single people and the people with no kids who get involved in children's ministry and youth ministry—people like me) want to invest in younger people. Give them the opportunity to be family.

If you ask me about my family, I'll tell you that my brothers are my best friends. I probably won't say that much about my parents. Want to see me get all weepy? Ask me about my kids—you know the ones—the kids from the first church I was on staff at, the kids from my time overseas, the kids in the student ministry I'm part of now. . . I give you permission to do this.

Here's the thing, though. Many people have different experiences with their families. Let's not be hasty in dishing out criticism to those people who may not speak with family members often or who may not look forward to family gatherings. Learn somebody's story first.